so numb

Okay. I’m in the middle of my mid test. I still got two days left, but I’m jaded already. It’s like those mid tests’ve sucked all of my energy and left me nothing. I’ve been gloomy all the time. Oh God. I don’t even know what I really want right now.


I miss my mom. Soooooooo mucchhhh that it’s killing me. But at the same time it hurts me so bad to see her saying goodbye at the station. For now, I don’t wanna go home. But things force me to go home.


Oh. One more thing that makes me miserable. I envy usi and titi kamal. They have someone. And they’re absolutely certain as the sun that their someone is really “the one”. Great. Where’s my very own christian sugiono???


Kalo lagi kaya gini, jadi pengen punya pacar. I think I need someone to distract me from thinking horrible things. I think I need someone to hold my hand and strengthen me. I think I need someone who looks at me right in the eyes and says that everything’s gonna be just fine. I think I need someone who will always be there and save me when I fall down. And most of all, I think I need someone who lightens me up.


I said “I think I need”, didn’t I? Well, I think I don’t really want someone. Like I said, I don’t know what I want. I’ve lost my direction. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go. I attend the lectures, I hang out with my friend, I laugh with my friend, I watch movies, I go here and there. But I feel nothing. I feel numb. Guess I’ve lost my passion as well. I feel like a robot doing its routine activities.


What’s going on with me?

I’m a pathetic moron bitch

I’ve been a stupid since loong time ago. But since yesterday, I’m a bitch too.

I had a responsibility. I only had to keep something safe. But what did I do? I lost the thing. It’s a simple job and I failed it. I’m an actual moron.

I have a friend, a close friend. I always adore her. But what did I do? I dated her ex, whom she still loves. What was I thinking?? She’s my friend, for God’s sake! I think it’s about the fucking "jablai" thing. I never supposed that I’m that bitchy "jablai" apparently.

I’m sooo pathetic. Dating her ex makes me even worse. For all this time, I’ve been okay with my single status. I didn’t ask for a man in a desperate way. Sometimes maybe I want a boyfriend, but if I don’t have one then it’s okay with me.
But yesterday, I remember how it feels having a boyfriend. Ada orang dengan ukuran badan yang jauh lebih besar ada disampingmu. Ada suara berat yang mengobrol dan tertawa denganmu. Ada orang yang akan memaksamu menghabiskan makananmu, tapi kemudian malah memakan makanan itu sambil tertawa. Ada sesuatu yang membuatmu gelisah saat tanpa sengaja menyentuh kulitnya. Ada orang yang akan menunjukkan arah yang benar kalau kau tersesat. Ada yang akan mencegahmu bertabrakan dengan orang lain atau menjagamu saat menyeberangi jalan. I remember how safe you can be with a man beside you.

I shouldn’t do this. This is wrong. So wrong. But I can’t help enjoying it. I think that’s why we call it guilty plesure.

being shallow

Oh my God. Have you ever met someone who never had a self-actualization?? I’ll tell you how it feels. It’s totally annoying.

It’s like you’d never been appreciated when you was in wherever you came from. And when you reached this whereabouts, your head turned so BIG, like you’re the it girl. Well, you’re NOT obviously.

It’s so ridiculous hearing you blow your own horn, like you’d done such really classy job while you HADN’T.

I’t’s like you’ve never been reputed beautiful, sophisticated, dazzling, or fabulous. It’s like you’ve been invisible all the time, and now suddenly when people starts recognizing you, please note, just recognizing you, and then you start thinking that you’re some kind of miss universe.

Maybe you think that I’m jealous. Not even close. I’m so fed up with all of your glory of your “actualization”. All that actualization you have right now, I had it like since centuries ago. And I even never mentioned it. Well, a.k.a: BIASA AJA KALEEE.

Okay. I got to be calmed down. Haha. Every now and then you show-off, I’ll just ketawa pake idung. Hahaha.

No no no. I’m just being a stupid petty. I mean, what’s wrong with being a non self-actualization? Memangnya kenapa kalau belum mencapai aktualisasi diri? Memangnya kenapa kalau merasa bangga dengan diri sendiri? Aku tidak boleh berpikiran picik dan dangkal. Tidak ada salahnya punya teman yang bisa bangga dengan dirinya sendiri. I’m just being shallow. Duuhh-uh.

Yay! My digesting system is back on track!

Pernah mengalami penyakit susah boker ga? Atau jarang boker? Well, I had lately. Dan itu rasanya sangat tidak nyaman. Ga sakit sih, tapi ga enak juga. Gejalanya antara lain:

1. susah kentut
2. perut kembung
3. perut membuncit (euuhh...)

Logically, kalau kita jarang boker seharusnya perut juga tidak bakalan cepet laper dong? Nah, the problem is I was almost always hungry. Makan porsi tumpeng, tapi beberapa jam kemudian udah laper lagi. Terus juga, walaupun udah makan kaya kuli, perut penuhnya minta ampun, tapi tetep ga bisa boker. Biarpun udah ngejogrok di WC sejam, buat mancing boker, hasilnya nihil men. Kalaupun berhasil boker, tapi pasti dikiiiiiiiiit banget! Minum vegeta, nggak begitu berpengaruh. Sekali boker, udah. Abis itu macet lagi. Tapi semenjak aku puasa minggu lalu, my digesting system is eventually getting normal. Tiap pagi mulai rutin buang sampah pencernaan. It’s sooooo relieving to have your body working normally. Heeeemmm, kalau pinjem istilah dela “seperti terlahir kembali!”. Dahsyat.

Duh, seharusnya sekarang aku mengerjakan tugas kuliah yang udah mulai numpuk. But I’m so not in the mood. Kaya sekarang misalnya, malah ngeblog.

I should be:

1. berhenti tidur saat seharusnya sedang mengerjakan tugas

2. berhenti maen game saat seharusnya sedang mengerjakan tugas

3. berhenti online saat seharusnya sedang mengerjakan tugas

4. berhenti nonton dvd saat seharusnya sedang mengerjakan tugas

5. berhenti ngegosip ga penting sama inka saat seharusnya sedang mengerjakan tugas

6. berhenti ngeblog saat seharusnya sedang mengerjakan tugas

See? Life is tough. Hidupku begitu penuh godaan duniawi.

I’m wondering now. Long weekend minggu ini ngapain ya? Pengennya sih:

1. outbond rame-rame
2. Maen paint ball
3. bersepeda di hutan
4. maen ke pantai
5. nonton ello
6. berenang (aka maen air because I can’t swim. Haha.)
7. rafting (this is the very last choice aja. Takut tenggelam, terus ditangkep buaya atau komodo)

Yah, minimal ga muluk-muluk lah, I yearn spending this long weekend with my bffs above all.

Oia, beberapa hari lalu ketemu lelaki tampan. And he’s definitely out of my reach. Great. My life does tough.

Tiny Little Me

Hey, how big do you think you are?

Maybe you’re tall, you’re large, you have everything you want, you’re just simply prefect. But I felt tiny.

It’s raining now, heavily. And now I’m having this thunderbolt backsound. And it got me thinking.

Have you ever imagined how big the world is? We’re, the human being, only the invisible spot on it. So powerless, feeble, and frequently, helpless.

Only in one Lord’s finger snap, everything may change. My life had been changed lately. Worse. And harder.

If Lord wants anything, I mean anything, to happen, well, what can we do to stop it? Nothing, really.

I’ll be willingly use up all of my energy for my family, my whole family. Recently, I barely think about anything else but my family. I also have a dream. My dream is I wanna see my family smile so widely, which I scarcely saw it these days, forever. Or i.e. happily ever after. And I want it so bad to be true. But there’s hardly something I can do to bring it into reality. I’ve been living in hope of Lord’s compassion to bring it into reality.

I’m so scared. The world seems extremely too big for me. Especially without my family around.

Oh, ya ampun. Aku baru sadar, aku lebih sering mengeluh, bersedih, bermuram durja di blog. My blog is deadly gloomy. Maybe I’m in the middle of dark life phase. Well, I think I am.

Dear God, please help me through this phase. I beg You.

Focus!

I’ve been attending the lecture for 2 days now. But it feels like a whole week already. Okay, stop. I won’t complain anymore. I hope.

It’s only the beginning. I don’t have any assignment, yet. Because like I said, it’s only the beginning. So I still have some spare time to spend.

There’s something I’m about to confess. Well, here it is. I think I’m an absolute daydreamer. And it bothers me, especially when I was attending the lecture.

A case in point: I was listening to the lecturer, while he said “dokter gigi jaman sekarang harus mampu mengembangkan kemampuan di bidang wirausaha, mengikuti perkembangan teknologi, seperti internet…” and then I started daydreaming ”oh iya ah, tar mau online ke ophie ah. Sekalian nge-upload blog sama download lagu-lagu baru! Lagu apa yaa… oh iya, lagunya elbow kemaren belom semuanya didownload, mau nyari lagunya jay chou juga deh…” Obviously I missed the following sentence from the lecturer. When I realized that my mind is clearly somewhere else but the lecture hall, “eh, apa tadi? Kok tiba-tiba si dosen ngomongin tanaman obat sih? Haduuuuuhh…”

Contoh laen: “kalian harus belajar menjadi entrepreneur, harus kreatif, inovatif, dapat mengkonsumsi informasi dari …” Then it happened again, “aduh, iya nih laper. Tar lagi makan apa ya. Pingin bu etik nih. Saus, kecap, sama sambelnya dibanyakin ah, heeemmm, slurp slurp! Eh, baidewei enterblablabla tadi artinya apa ya?” Duhh.

Bisa juga kaya begini: dosen as usual lagi ngoceh di depan, terus tiba-tiba inka sama dela mulai bisik-bisik seru ngegosip sendiri, “eh ka, mas novan gimana?”, dan inka menjawab, “au tu del. Masa ya mas novan itu …” Akhirnya malah lebih konsen dengerin inka dela bisik-bisik daripada dengerin dosen. Haduh haduh.

It happens all the time. I’d assembled a great amount of elbow greese to keep focusing on the lecture. Apparently, I drew a blank.

Enough is enough. I’ve gotta work on it harder. Keep focus.

pouting and moping

Haaaaaaahh. All I can do is sigh. All I can do is hold out. All I can do is keep thinking that I only have to spend 3,5 more years or 42 more months or 1278 more days in this blistering city.

O my God. I just make it seems worse.

Tomorrow I’ll begin my…life. I think. Oh God, could You just hand me the remote? Pleeeeeaase…. So I can skip those horrible days.

Oh. Come on! Stop pouting and moping! Chin up!

Haaaaaahh.

I arrived at surabaya this morning. Once I entered my room, I realized that my room was smelled like moss. Ugh. It made me feel even worse, it made me missing my cozy room at home. Awww.

Like it didn’t bad enough, I still had the scent of my home sweet home and especially my mom’s scent, right under my nose.

I miss you already mom. Aku juga kangen maen-maen sama keponakanku yang hiperaktif. Ngobrol-ngobrol bodoh.

Keponakan : na, kenapa si cat itu warna-warni? Asalnya dari mana si, na?

Aku : Hum? Dari pelangi.

Keponakan : (manggut-manggut)

Keponakan : na, kenapa power ranger putih kok senjatanya pake kipas si, na?

Aku : berarti power ranger-nya itu penari.

Keponakan : (manggut-manggut). Terus kenapa orang tua rambutnya putih?

Aku : soalnya suka dibikin pusing sama anaknya.

Keponakan : berarti na suka bikin pusing oma dong!

Aku : ....

Never mind.

You know what, I’ve just been thinking. I’ll be 20 in a month. It means I’m getting older, obviously. My point is, I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to be a grown-up. I mean, I still wanna being pampered by my mom. I still wanna sleep in her warm arms every night.

I used to think that grown-up means being independent, married and settling down with my own family, having a couple of cute babies, bla bla bla. It’s a simple thing. But I hadn’t mull over the main point. Grown-up also means that I have to live separately from my mom. Duh-uh.

No. I can’t do that. Yet.