Monday, April 27, 2009

so numb

Okay. I’m in the middle of my mid test. I still got two days left, but I’m jaded already. It’s like those mid tests’ve sucked all of my energy and left me nothing. I’ve been gloomy all the time. Oh God. I don’t even know what I really want right now.

I miss my mom. Soooooooo mucchhhh that it’s killing me. But at the same time it hurts me so bad to see her saying goodbye at the station. For now, I don’t wanna go home. But things force me to go home.

Oh. One more thing that makes me miserable. I envy usi and titi kamal. They have someone. And they’re absolutely certain as the sun that their someone is really “the one”. Great. Where’s my very own christian sugiono???

Kalo lagi kaya gini, jadi pengen punya pacar. I think I need someone to distract me from thinking horrible things. I think I need someone to hold my hand and strengthen me. I think I need someone who looks at me right in the eyes and says that everything’s gonna be just fine. I think I need someone who will always be there and save me when I fall down. And most of all, I think I need someone who lightens me up.

I said “I think I need”, didn’t I? Well, I think I don’t really want someone. Like I said, I don’t know what I want. I’ve lost my direction. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go. I attend the lectures, I hang out with my friend, I laugh with my friend, I watch movies, I go here and there. But I feel nothing. I feel numb. Guess I’ve lost my passion as well. I feel like a robot doing its routine activities.

What’s going on with me?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I’m a pathetic moron bitch

I’ve been a stupid since loong time ago. But since yesterday, I’m a bitch too.

I had a responsibility. I only had to keep something safe. But what did I do? I lost the thing. It’s a simple job and I failed it. I’m an actual moron.

I have a friend, a close friend. I always adore her. But what did I do? I dated her ex, whom she still loves. What was I thinking?? She’s my friend, for God’s sake! I think it’s about the fucking "jablai" thing. I never supposed that I’m that bitchy "jablai" apparently.

I’m sooo pathetic. Dating her ex makes me even worse. For all this time, I’ve been okay with my single status. I didn’t ask for a man in a desperate way. Sometimes maybe I want a boyfriend, but if I don’t have one then it’s okay with me.
But yesterday, I remember how it feels having a boyfriend. Ada orang dengan ukuran badan yang jauh lebih besar ada disampingmu. Ada suara berat yang mengobrol dan tertawa denganmu. Ada orang yang akan memaksamu menghabiskan makananmu, tapi kemudian malah memakan makanan itu sambil tertawa. Ada sesuatu yang membuatmu gelisah saat tanpa sengaja menyentuh kulitnya. Ada orang yang akan menunjukkan arah yang benar kalau kau tersesat. Ada yang akan mencegahmu bertabrakan dengan orang lain atau menjagamu saat menyeberangi jalan. I remember how safe you can be with a man beside you.

I shouldn’t do this. This is wrong. So wrong. But I can’t help enjoying it. I think that’s why we call it guilty plesure.

being shallow

Oh my God. Have you ever met someone who never had a self-actualization?? I’ll tell you how it feels. It’s totally annoying.

It’s like you’d never been appreciated when you was in wherever you came from. And when you reached this whereabouts, your head turned so BIG, like you’re the it girl. Well, you’re NOT obviously.

It’s so ridiculous hearing you blow your own horn, like you’d done such really classy job while you HADN’T.

I’t’s like you’ve never been reputed beautiful, sophisticated, dazzling, or fabulous. It’s like you’ve been invisible all the time, and now suddenly when people starts recognizing you, please note, just recognizing you, and then you start thinking that you’re some kind of miss universe.

Maybe you think that I’m jealous. Not even close. I’m so fed up with all of your glory of your “actualization”. All that actualization you have right now, I had it like since centuries ago. And I even never mentioned it. Well, a.k.a: BIASA AJA KALEEE.

Okay. I got to be calmed down. Haha. Every now and then you show-off, I’ll just ketawa pake idung. Hahaha.

No no no. I’m just being a stupid petty. I mean, what’s wrong with being a non self-actualization? Memangnya kenapa kalau belum mencapai aktualisasi diri? Memangnya kenapa kalau merasa bangga dengan diri sendiri? Aku tidak boleh berpikiran picik dan dangkal. Tidak ada salahnya punya teman yang bisa bangga dengan dirinya sendiri. I’m just being shallow. Duuhh-uh.